After many years of trying, the anonymous "they" have finally succeeded in their goal. They have broken me and I am giving up.
It is with mixed feelings that I am preparing to leave my home town. Thirty years can not be erased in the blink of an eye, and yes, I have had some happy times here, too. Lately, however, the darkness has overshadowed the light by an overwhelming ratio. I always thought leaving here will be to start an adventure. Now it's simply an act of escape. It's not a "to where," but a "from what." That sucks.
Whether it was really Confucius who first said it or not, he was right. One cannot escape oneself, or your own bad, excess baggage. The best way to get rid of those issues is to deal with them one at a time.
But how do you deal with being taken for an idiot time and again? How do you deal with racism at work (those who say black people can't be racist, clearly don't live in South Africa!) on a daily basis? How do you function all by yourself?
Well, I can't. I am tired of trying. There is only so much punishment I can take.
Yes, I have actually considered ending it all permanently. I even stood with the Stanley knife against my arm. And then I remembered how hard is was to wash away blood. How it smelled and stuck to everything... and I decided not to do it after all. Maybe that was my biggest mistake - being a coward! Who cares about the blood anyway? It wouldn't be me cleaning up, would it?
Anyway, I'll be out of here within a few months. It is time to make a new start somewhere else, where I can be a recluse without people thinking it strange.
I don't want people around me. People hurt people. And I am a hurt person, so I shall probably hurt others extremely well. I know where to stab and how to turn the blade just so... I know which words hurt the most and how to use them to their maximum impact. I know how to break others into small bits that no-one can ever reattach.
How will I leave? Will I simply pack up and go like a thief in the night, or will I at least stop to say goodbye? I don't know yet, to be frank. That still bears some thought.
I have survived abusive relationships and toxic friendships before. I know that I am resilient. It's just difficult to see that when the arrows keep flying from all directions. Perhaps that is the answer. I need to step back from my current life and get some perspective. Maybe I'm simply burnt out, not broken.
I shall leave Rustenburg this year, not because "They" have won, but because of what I have chosen. And I choose to protect myself and be strong. I don't need a target on my back any longer.
Watch this space...!