SI went fishing with some of his mates today. I am glad he went, because that gave me time and space to do some Tessa-things, just for me.
The first thing I did was to do some serious blogging. I edited some drafts, started some new posts and published one of the drafts I have been working on for a while.
Later, I dyed my hair. Some of the kids where I work call me "Tannie" (Auntie). While I understand and appreciate the term of respect, I hate feeling old. The "natural highlights" don't help much, either.
Most of the rest of the day was spent surfing the Net and reading on my Kindle. Oh, and playing some online games, all while listening to streamed music. Yes, I am extremely grateful to Nicola Tesla, the man who invented alternating current, and Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the Internet! And - of course - everyone who came after and made the Internet user-friendly!
While surfing the Net, I found something that really shook me. At first glance it's not something terrible. No blood, gore or other bodily fluids. It is a simple diagram that looks like a target, but distills all feelings into one of the six basic emotions: sadness, anger, fear, peace, power and joy.
Out of sheer curiosity, I went to see if I can find my most frequent feelings on that grid. I did. And what they led to was something I really didn't expect to find: fear/scared. What really shook me, though, was when I realized that every single decision I have made over the past twenty-five years has been motivated by the fear of not being good enough or not being acceptable to my parents and society in general.
That is also the reason why none of my relationships have ever really worked out. I seem to attach myself to good-for-nothings because I don't see myself as worthy of anyone better, and when I DO meet someone really cool and good and wholesome, the little voice inside me tells me I am not good enough for that man or the relationship and the little gremlin sabotages the whole thing to the point of where I simply give up and break it off.
The d....chebag I was engaged to for a while obviously encouraged those emotions, as he reckoned they would make me more dependent on him. They did. Unfortunately for him, he showed his true colors, I left him, he made my life really miserable for a while and we finally parted ways. (I still miss him, but my aim is getting better!)
At least now I know what to talk to that psychologist about. It is always good to have a starting point and a destination. The route between the two doesn't matter - each person follows their own path, anyway.